Being in a mixed orientation marriage
Growing up mormon you learn from a young age that as a male you will grow up, go on a mission, come home and get married in the temple. They teach this starting at a really young age. I wouldn’t necessarily call it brain washing but it is form of psychological conditioning that works. Even though I was gay and mormon and knew that I could never overcome my homosexuality I, like every other little mormon kid, sang songs in primary about going on a mission and going to the temple.
From previous posts, you can read that I went on a mission because it was what I was supposed to do and maybe I had a little bit of home that my homosexual feelings would go away but I knew deep down inside that was not going to be the case. When I was in my stake president interview before submitting my paperwork to serve a mission, he asked me straight up if I was gay......This took me by surprise. Of course I am gay but I did not dare tell him that I was. He also said that he would never send a gay man out on a mission to be with another man 24/7 because it would be too much of a temptation. I can assure you that I was never attracted to any of my mission companions.
After this lie I was super depressed and didn’t want to go because I thought to myself that I shouldn’t have to lie about my sexuality to go on a mission. I felt sick for lying and my stake president made me feel sick about being gay and having those natural feelings of being attracted to men. I went anyway and came home and promised myself I wouldn’t get married.
I told myself that I wouldn’t get married because it wouldn’t be fair to a woman to be married to a homosexual and later in life I learned that it was not fair to me either. Being in a mixed orientation marriage was hard work. It was so damaging emotionally and physically. We had so many problems and yet we made it work for almost 11 years. My wife developed a complex. She didn’t ever feel pretty or sexy and it was all my fault. I felt so much guilt and I made it a personal chore to try extra hard to please her and it was not easy.
Later in my marriage, I learned that I was dying emotionally on the inside. I was just living as a skeleton and it wasn’t my wife’s fault. I had built up so much self loathing and self hate for putting my wife and myself through something that love should be. Love should be beautiful and between two willing people that can mentally, emotionally, and physically gives themselves to each other. I had an amazing friendship with my wife, but unfortunately that is all that it ever was no matter how hard I tried.
Years went by and I just continued to die inside and I began hating the church for giving me false hope that my homosexuality would go away. I sought out therapy and the therapist help me embrace my homosexuality and I learned to love that part of myself but there was still something missing and I was still continuing to die on the inside.
After 11 years years of marriage and two beautiful children I decided that I couldn’t live with myself anymore. I couldn’t do it, the pain was too much the depression set in and I was miserable. I wasn’t miserable with my family I was miserable being myself. Lying to myself everyday, day after day. Trying to convince myself I was happy and I was trying everything I could to be a good husband and father and it wasn’t making me happy.
You can only lie to yourself for so long before you breakdown. I broke down and had a breakdown. I was at an all time low and disgusted with myself for not living my true self and for making my wife go through what she endured. No straight woman should ever have to be married to a gay man.
From previous posts, you can read that I went on a mission because it was what I was supposed to do and maybe I had a little bit of home that my homosexual feelings would go away but I knew deep down inside that was not going to be the case. When I was in my stake president interview before submitting my paperwork to serve a mission, he asked me straight up if I was gay......This took me by surprise. Of course I am gay but I did not dare tell him that I was. He also said that he would never send a gay man out on a mission to be with another man 24/7 because it would be too much of a temptation. I can assure you that I was never attracted to any of my mission companions.
After this lie I was super depressed and didn’t want to go because I thought to myself that I shouldn’t have to lie about my sexuality to go on a mission. I felt sick for lying and my stake president made me feel sick about being gay and having those natural feelings of being attracted to men. I went anyway and came home and promised myself I wouldn’t get married.
I told myself that I wouldn’t get married because it wouldn’t be fair to a woman to be married to a homosexual and later in life I learned that it was not fair to me either. Being in a mixed orientation marriage was hard work. It was so damaging emotionally and physically. We had so many problems and yet we made it work for almost 11 years. My wife developed a complex. She didn’t ever feel pretty or sexy and it was all my fault. I felt so much guilt and I made it a personal chore to try extra hard to please her and it was not easy.
Later in my marriage, I learned that I was dying emotionally on the inside. I was just living as a skeleton and it wasn’t my wife’s fault. I had built up so much self loathing and self hate for putting my wife and myself through something that love should be. Love should be beautiful and between two willing people that can mentally, emotionally, and physically gives themselves to each other. I had an amazing friendship with my wife, but unfortunately that is all that it ever was no matter how hard I tried.
Years went by and I just continued to die inside and I began hating the church for giving me false hope that my homosexuality would go away. I sought out therapy and the therapist help me embrace my homosexuality and I learned to love that part of myself but there was still something missing and I was still continuing to die on the inside.
After 11 years years of marriage and two beautiful children I decided that I couldn’t live with myself anymore. I couldn’t do it, the pain was too much the depression set in and I was miserable. I wasn’t miserable with my family I was miserable being myself. Lying to myself everyday, day after day. Trying to convince myself I was happy and I was trying everything I could to be a good husband and father and it wasn’t making me happy.
You can only lie to yourself for so long before you breakdown. I broke down and had a breakdown. I was at an all time low and disgusted with myself for not living my true self and for making my wife go through what she endured. No straight woman should ever have to be married to a gay man.
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