I am currently in therapy and my therapist asked me to name the top five influential people who have impacted my life whether it is good or bad. The three most influential people who have impacted my life are my mother, my ex-wife, and my sister both in good ways and bad ways. The other two people who have influenced my life are my brother Justin and my partner Derek.
I am supposed to write a narration about my brother just to describe how he has influenced me. Where should I start.......I didn’t start looking up to him until I was a freshman in high school. He was always mean to me as a kid and I am not sure why he felt why he needed to be mean to me and tease me but he felt a need to and I have never asked him.
After he graduated high school I thought that he was the most perfect person in the world. He was preparing to serve a mission and he didn’t do anything wrong. He went away to a small college and lived on his own for a year before leaving for a mission and he decided that it would be fun for me to come stay with him over Christmas break and I did. I had a great time and this is when I started really looking up to him. He was just so perfect and I didn’t understand why he was like that? I didn’t think there was an evil bone in his body. I stayed a week with him and it went well. I was 14 then and didn’t drive and dependended on my brother for pretty much everything during that week. This was the first real bonding moment that I had with him. He teased me alll the time when I was a child.
He left for his mission to Guatemala later that school year and I wrote him and he wrote me while he was gone. The two years that he was gone was a hard two years. I was struggling with my sexuality and fighting for my parents affection that I never really got. I always felt overshadowed by my older brother and I never felt good enough. I feel into a deep depression and missed three months of school but the doctor blamed it on mono. My parents aren’t the depression believing type. During this time I remember writing a letter to my brother and in the letter I wrote that I think our mother doesn’t love me. No matter what I did it was always wrong. I didn’t end up sending the letter because after reading it I thought it was pathetic.
He would write me and tell me about how amazing his mission was and all I could think was that I didn’t want to go on one. The summer he came home I was deciding where to go to college and he was going back to the small college that he went to before his mission. I wasn’t going to go there but felt it was a good idea to go live with him and go to school with him. He was in missionary mode still, meaning he was still living his life as a missionary and couldn’t adjust back to normal life. It drove me nuts. I hated that he was so righteous without even putting any effort into it.
When we lived together he kept me on a strict schedule. We took classes together, went to church together, and had all the same friends. We spent pretty much all day and all night together. During this time I was beginning to develop my personality and I finally had the chance to be independent without the close supervision of my parents. I wanted to be just like my brother. He was so kind and could make friends with everyone and anyone. This didn’t come naturally for me and I think that was due to my suppressed sexual identity and the guilt and shame that I was having for having homosexual feelings. I knew that I was gay and at this time I think subconsciously knew that it would never go away although I had been taught otherwise, after all these feelings were not natural.
I turned 19 and it was time to make a decision to go on a mission and I had told my family I wanted to finish two years of college but Justin convinced me just to go when I turned 19 and it would be easier that way. He was right because I probably wouldn’t have gone if he didn’t convince me. I don’t know why I never came out to him. I guess I always assumed he was a homophobe, but that isn’t the case at all. He has been one of the most accepting people in my life. He recently told me that he felt bad for making all the gay jokes that he did when we were kids. I don’t know why but my whole family was oblivious to the fact that I was gay and I don’t know if that is because they refused to believe that or what the story is.
I don’t know what kind of person I would be if I didn’t choose to go live with my brother after he got home from his mission. He has always been a friend and even though we don’t really talk about things I know that he has always been there for me and if I really needed to I could talk to him about something.
He has reacted the best out of all my family and I think that is because he married a really good woman. Her name is Liz and I think that she has made him a better person and he was already a good person.
I am supposed to write a narration about my brother just to describe how he has influenced me. Where should I start.......I didn’t start looking up to him until I was a freshman in high school. He was always mean to me as a kid and I am not sure why he felt why he needed to be mean to me and tease me but he felt a need to and I have never asked him.
After he graduated high school I thought that he was the most perfect person in the world. He was preparing to serve a mission and he didn’t do anything wrong. He went away to a small college and lived on his own for a year before leaving for a mission and he decided that it would be fun for me to come stay with him over Christmas break and I did. I had a great time and this is when I started really looking up to him. He was just so perfect and I didn’t understand why he was like that? I didn’t think there was an evil bone in his body. I stayed a week with him and it went well. I was 14 then and didn’t drive and dependended on my brother for pretty much everything during that week. This was the first real bonding moment that I had with him. He teased me alll the time when I was a child.
He left for his mission to Guatemala later that school year and I wrote him and he wrote me while he was gone. The two years that he was gone was a hard two years. I was struggling with my sexuality and fighting for my parents affection that I never really got. I always felt overshadowed by my older brother and I never felt good enough. I feel into a deep depression and missed three months of school but the doctor blamed it on mono. My parents aren’t the depression believing type. During this time I remember writing a letter to my brother and in the letter I wrote that I think our mother doesn’t love me. No matter what I did it was always wrong. I didn’t end up sending the letter because after reading it I thought it was pathetic.
He would write me and tell me about how amazing his mission was and all I could think was that I didn’t want to go on one. The summer he came home I was deciding where to go to college and he was going back to the small college that he went to before his mission. I wasn’t going to go there but felt it was a good idea to go live with him and go to school with him. He was in missionary mode still, meaning he was still living his life as a missionary and couldn’t adjust back to normal life. It drove me nuts. I hated that he was so righteous without even putting any effort into it.
When we lived together he kept me on a strict schedule. We took classes together, went to church together, and had all the same friends. We spent pretty much all day and all night together. During this time I was beginning to develop my personality and I finally had the chance to be independent without the close supervision of my parents. I wanted to be just like my brother. He was so kind and could make friends with everyone and anyone. This didn’t come naturally for me and I think that was due to my suppressed sexual identity and the guilt and shame that I was having for having homosexual feelings. I knew that I was gay and at this time I think subconsciously knew that it would never go away although I had been taught otherwise, after all these feelings were not natural.
I turned 19 and it was time to make a decision to go on a mission and I had told my family I wanted to finish two years of college but Justin convinced me just to go when I turned 19 and it would be easier that way. He was right because I probably wouldn’t have gone if he didn’t convince me. I don’t know why I never came out to him. I guess I always assumed he was a homophobe, but that isn’t the case at all. He has been one of the most accepting people in my life. He recently told me that he felt bad for making all the gay jokes that he did when we were kids. I don’t know why but my whole family was oblivious to the fact that I was gay and I don’t know if that is because they refused to believe that or what the story is.
I don’t know what kind of person I would be if I didn’t choose to go live with my brother after he got home from his mission. He has always been a friend and even though we don’t really talk about things I know that he has always been there for me and if I really needed to I could talk to him about something.
He has reacted the best out of all my family and I think that is because he married a really good woman. Her name is Liz and I think that she has made him a better person and he was already a good person.
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