My name is Jordan and I grew up in the mormon church. I have had the perfect mormon family from onlookers, five children, four returned missionaries and five temple marriages. This is a perfect record for any mormon parents to be proud of. They can puff up their chests in church a little higher because they have done their jobs as good parents, well according to mormon standards.
I have nothing against the mormon church and in fact I think that if people truly live by the teaching of the church they can be some of the nicest people. The animosity that I feel is against the culture that has developed over the last 200 years of church history. In the almost 34 years of my life I have met the nicest mormons and the meanest most judgmental people. I am not here to bash the church because my family are all practicing mormons and they love it and stand true to their beliefs and that is something that is commendable.
Just a little but about me. I am a gay male who took 31 years to come out to my parents and my family. I have been terrified of what my parents would think if I came out as gay and lived a life that would ruin their reputation of having the perfect mormon family. I have known that I was gay from a really young age. My first crush was my swim lessons instructor at the age of five. I like to play with barbies and dress up with my sister who is just 15 months younger than me. One might think that this would have been a sure sign that someone in my family would have known I was gay but growing up in the late 80s and 90s people tend to look the other way.
My parents are wonderful people who I honestly feel did the best job they could to raise me and my four siblings. My mother had a terrible childhood and she wanted something better for her children and she did just that. My parents ruled the house with an iron fist and we as children knew not to break any rules or there would be consequences. I guess they instilled the fear of god in us to make sure that we would follow the "straight and narrow".
My mother got pregnant before getting married and this is a no no in the mormon church and I think that my grandparents on my dad's side blamed her for this happening and she has never gotten over this. In fact, I had no idea that she was pregnant before they were married until I was an adult. I don't know why they would decide hide this from their children because everyone makes mistakes but who cares? I don't!
I think this is where everything begins. At this moment I think that parents decided that they would raise their children to follow rules or else. My parents married and were sealed in the LA temple in 1983 or 1984. From that moment we went to church as family and there were no other options and that was that.
My parents are lovely people and have a different way of showing love and affection. We spend summers on family vacations and saw most of the western united states, but I can count on one hand how many times I have seen my parents kiss and said I love you. I am an emotional being and need an outlet for affection, feelings, and other emotions. I was always sent to my room when I cried about something and we never talked about it. There was no problem solving.
This made me keep things to myself because I did not feel that I had a safe place to have an outlet. I felt my parents were not approachable. (disclaimer) I am the only one in my family who feels this way but also I am the only one who has come out as gay. As a teenager I had no one to talk to and I was learning in church that homosexuality was just a temptation and an abomination. So naturally, I felt self loathing, shame and guilt for having feelings of same sex attraction (which is a terrible phrase to describe homosexuality).
I learned to hate myself. I learned to keep things to myself. I learned to not talk about feelings, emotions, and problems. I learned to be a terrible communicator. The mormon church taught me that I shouldn't mention my feelings of homosexuality and if I was faithful enough and prayed hard enough it would go away. I can assure you that this is not true.
I developed a relationship with my mother that was unhealthy. I felt like I had to fight for affection that I would never get and it would in disappointment. This taught me that I needed to never disappoint my mother because I have always been afraid of her opinion of me. I lived my life in a way that would make her happy. I decided to go on a mission for the mormon church. I was called to serve in Finland. I hated it at first and suffered from major depression and just wanted to stay in bed most of the time. This triggered a meeting with the mission president who made me call my mother. I told her I did not want to be on a mission and I wanted to come home, but she said no and she told me to get my act together and things will get better but coming home is not an option.
I finished my mission and enjoyed the majority of it and learned a foreign language so that is plus. After coming home I promised I would never get married but that didn't happen. I met a wonderful girl name Heidi, who is one of the strongest people that I have ever met. We decided to get married. I tried to call of the wedding and she was the first person that I ever came out to. It took 21 years for me to do that for the fear of the consequences of coming out. She didn't care and said that it was something that we could work through it together.
Marriage was not a healthy option. I struggled with homosexuality in a mixed orientation marriage. The guilt of not being able to fully satisfy my wife and leaving her with a complex that she felt unsexy and unloved was an enormous burden that took me to low lows that I don't like to think about. It wasn't until recently that I started to think about my own needs as a gay man and how it was not only unfair for Heidi but it was unfair for me as well. I thought that children would fix it but it made it worse. As I went on in my marriage, animosity against the church grew and grew. I would go through the motions for my family but I began to hate the church and the culture associated with it. My heart has not been in the church since shortly after I got married and realized that my homosexuality would not go away.
I hit four lows in my life. I almost committed suicide once as a teenager because I thought that it was my option. I was in so much pain that it would have been better to be dead, but I was afraid of what my mother might think. I hit a low my first marriage when my wife found out that I was looking at gay porn. This hurt her in a way that I never thought possible, she thought of it as cheating on her. I needed some kind of outlet because being married to a woman and being attracted to men was not working. I thought about going to the forest about an hour from our house to hang myself from a tree and end the pain and suffering that I was going through. I thought about suicide two more times in my life but they are not important because it didn't happen.
I was married for almost 11 years and I have two beautiful children a boy and a girl. I do not regret the decision of getting married because it taught me a lot and I love and appreciate Heidi and she is one of the most inspirational person I have ever met in my life.
In summary, I grew up in a very strict household and had outlets that I needed and I had no where to turn because there was no one that could understand my circumstance. My parents probably would have sent me to conversion therapy in the 90s. It is not easy growing up and everyone circumstance is unique to them. I hope this helps and there will be more posts to come. Thanks, JP
My name is Jordan and I grew up in the mormon church. I have had the perfect mormon family from onlookers, five children, four returned missionaries and five temple marriages. This is a perfect record for any mormon parents to be proud of. They can puff up their chests in church a little higher because they have done their jobs as good parents, well according to mormon standards.
I have nothing against the mormon church and in fact I think that if people truly live by the teaching of the church they can be some of the nicest people. The animosity that I feel is against the culture that has developed over the last 200 years of church history. In the almost 34 years of my life I have met the nicest mormons and the meanest most judgmental people. I am not here to bash the church because my family are all practicing mormons and they love it and stand true to their beliefs and that is something that is commendable.
Just a little but about me. I am a gay male who took 31 years to come out to my parents and my family. I have been terrified of what my parents would think if I came out as gay and lived a life that would ruin their reputation of having the perfect mormon family. I have known that I was gay from a really young age. My first crush was my swim lessons instructor at the age of five. I like to play with barbies and dress up with my sister who is just 15 months younger than me. One might think that this would have been a sure sign that someone in my family would have known I was gay but growing up in the late 80s and 90s people tend to look the other way.
My parents are wonderful people who I honestly feel did the best job they could to raise me and my four siblings. My mother had a terrible childhood and she wanted something better for her children and she did just that. My parents ruled the house with an iron fist and we as children knew not to break any rules or there would be consequences. I guess they instilled the fear of god in us to make sure that we would follow the "straight and narrow".
My mother got pregnant before getting married and this is a no no in the mormon church and I think that my grandparents on my dad's side blamed her for this happening and she has never gotten over this. In fact, I had no idea that she was pregnant before they were married until I was an adult. I don't know why they would decide hide this from their children because everyone makes mistakes but who cares? I don't!
I think this is where everything begins. At this moment I think that parents decided that they would raise their children to follow rules or else. My parents married and were sealed in the LA temple in 1983 or 1984. From that moment we went to church as family and there were no other options and that was that.
My parents are lovely people and have a different way of showing love and affection. We spend summers on family vacations and saw most of the western united states, but I can count on one hand how many times I have seen my parents kiss and said I love you. I am an emotional being and need an outlet for affection, feelings, and other emotions. I was always sent to my room when I cried about something and we never talked about it. There was no problem solving.
This made me keep things to myself because I did not feel that I had a safe place to have an outlet. I felt my parents were not approachable. (disclaimer) I am the only one in my family who feels this way but also I am the only one who has come out as gay. As a teenager I had no one to talk to and I was learning in church that homosexuality was just a temptation and an abomination. So naturally, I felt self loathing, shame and guilt for having feelings of same sex attraction (which is a terrible phrase to describe homosexuality).
I learned to hate myself. I learned to keep things to myself. I learned to not talk about feelings, emotions, and problems. I learned to be a terrible communicator. The mormon church taught me that I shouldn't mention my feelings of homosexuality and if I was faithful enough and prayed hard enough it would go away. I can assure you that this is not true.
I developed a relationship with my mother that was unhealthy. I felt like I had to fight for affection that I would never get and it would in disappointment. This taught me that I needed to never disappoint my mother because I have always been afraid of her opinion of me. I lived my life in a way that would make her happy. I decided to go on a mission for the mormon church. I was called to serve in Finland. I hated it at first and suffered from major depression and just wanted to stay in bed most of the time. This triggered a meeting with the mission president who made me call my mother. I told her I did not want to be on a mission and I wanted to come home, but she said no and she told me to get my act together and things will get better but coming home is not an option.
I finished my mission and enjoyed the majority of it and learned a foreign language so that is plus. After coming home I promised I would never get married but that didn't happen. I met a wonderful girl name Heidi, who is one of the strongest people that I have ever met. We decided to get married. I tried to call of the wedding and she was the first person that I ever came out to. It took 21 years for me to do that for the fear of the consequences of coming out. She didn't care and said that it was something that we could work through it together.
Marriage was not a healthy option. I struggled with homosexuality in a mixed orientation marriage. The guilt of not being able to fully satisfy my wife and leaving her with a complex that she felt unsexy and unloved was an enormous burden that took me to low lows that I don't like to think about. It wasn't until recently that I started to think about my own needs as a gay man and how it was not only unfair for Heidi but it was unfair for me as well. I thought that children would fix it but it made it worse. As I went on in my marriage, animosity against the church grew and grew. I would go through the motions for my family but I began to hate the church and the culture associated with it. My heart has not been in the church since shortly after I got married and realized that my homosexuality would not go away.
I hit four lows in my life. I almost committed suicide once as a teenager because I thought that it was my option. I was in so much pain that it would have been better to be dead, but I was afraid of what my mother might think. I hit a low my first marriage when my wife found out that I was looking at gay porn. This hurt her in a way that I never thought possible, she thought of it as cheating on her. I needed some kind of outlet because being married to a woman and being attracted to men was not working. I thought about going to the forest about an hour from our house to hang myself from a tree and end the pain and suffering that I was going through. I thought about suicide two more times in my life but they are not important because it didn't happen.
I was married for almost 11 years and I have two beautiful children a boy and a girl. I do not regret the decision of getting married because it taught me a lot and I love and appreciate Heidi and she is one of the most inspirational person I have ever met in my life.
In summary, I grew up in a very strict household and had outlets that I needed and I had no where to turn because there was no one that could understand my circumstance. My parents probably would have sent me to conversion therapy in the 90s. It is not easy growing up and everyone circumstance is unique to them. I hope this helps and there will be more posts to come. Thanks, JP
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